Greetings, loyal How We Eaters! Today’s entry is inspired by the all-American classic: the cheeseburger (please ignore the German etymology). Please note that I am talking about cheeseburgers here, because no one eats hamburgers unless they forgot to buy cheese. It’s always worth the extra dollar or two, or whatever it costs, to put a slice of whatever cheese is available on a hamburger. I won’t discuss restaurant cheeseburgers here, except to say that they are well known to serve as an acute barometer for general food quality at a previously untested establishment. This blog serves as guidance for making cheeseburgers at home.
Preparation:
We start with the beef. It should be somewhere between 85-90% lean. Less than 85% will shrink your burger appreciably over heat and is thus uneconomical. Greater than 90% will not afford you the juicy quality of a home-cooked burger that is so very crucial to your gustatory enjoyment, for the juice is in the beef fat (pro-tip)! Burger calculus is as follows: ¼ lb. ground beef per 100 lbs. of consumer (click here for helpful Excel spreadsheet). Slap the ground beef into a metal or ceramic bowl and add three (and only three) ingredients: salt, pepper, and yellow mustard. If you start adding anything else, you’re making meatloaf. Shape the beef into discs and set aside.
For toppings, you will need tomatoes, red onions, and some sort of lettuce (I used arugula, but regular lettuce is just as good, if not better, for a burger). Bacon is a good choice, and worth the extra effort, but not necessary. Prepare all sliceables in advance and allow your fellow burger eaters the freedom to dress the burgers themselves. Ketchup, mustard, and mayonnaise are the only spreadables you will need, and two out of three ain’t bad. For bread, only a kaiser roll will do. They are usually about 59 cents in a bulk bin at your local supermarket. The little burger buns in the bag can hardly handle my burger calculus.
Cooking:
There is literally only one acceptable way to make a burger at home. You must fire up the grill. Get it real hot and throw the burgers down. They really don’t need a whole lot of time. If it’s hot enough, you’ll get the outside nice and crispy and the inside will still be fresh and juicy. Anywhere between pink and grey is acceptable for color, but you just don’t want it to get dry. Put the cheese on top during the last minute of grilling. Cheddar (the sharper the better) or Swiss (imported) are acceptable. While you’re at it, this is a good time to toast the Kaisers, if you feel so inclined.
That’s it! Follow these simple directions and leave your food guests smiling!
-Sav
Savastio
P. David Stockhausen
